Experiencing the absence of love from others is hard.

As though you are a temporary void in people’s lives that fills them until a certain point where you are no longer needed
Yes, it hurts. Extremely. You can never get a warning of when it occurs and even when you finally realise, it cuts deep. 

We have that desire to place immense time and effort on people who we care about. Wanting to be the one to remind them to have hope, how much God loves them, to make them smile when they go through times of strife, and of just being there. The memories: you wouldn’t take it all back for the world but you can’t help but feel the human emotions of sadness and anguish when it is not reciprocated back.
More so, when it comes to the point where you feel basically non-existent in their life. They begin to live life right past you. Like clockwork, their days continue on whilst you are left stationary. 

And the human condition is crying out: ‘all of this has gone to sheer waste.’ 
The unfortunate truth is that it happens and you may be doing it subconsciously to others just as much as you feel that it is happening to you. However there is a light, a reason, hope behind it all. These are part of the cross in striving to love like Christ.

If I was to pinpoint something that I got out of the year or grown in: it is accepting this cross and to love unconditionally. The Lord was never particular when it came to who He loved or whether or not they loved Him in return in the same manner and we too should do the same. If you need a reminder, look to the cross and the symbol of a perfect sacrifice made for us. Look to His love that never disappoints, that overflows with grace and will never diminish like a phase. 

Pour your heart out to them, by all means to the people around you even when you yourself may be struggling. When your heart does not feel like it is in tact anymore: keep going. 
Love with the intent of not expecting anything in return: to lead them to Heaven. Understand that every little deed that you do has not gone to waste: be life giving in your actions and your words with no expectation of a lavish reward on this Earth. If they stay present in your life be blessed and even if they do not continue to be blessed anyway. 

Take that cross: know that the Lord is helping you carry it when you fall and even when you’re walking with it. 

Never stop what you invested in when it comes to looking out for the people God entrusted you with. 

Beyond the pain, through the hiding of deep heartbreak:

Continue to love them anyway. 

This was my most recent post on my wordpress & I found it worth sharing here too.

'The Lord is near to the broken-hearted, and saves the crushed in spirit.' —Psalm 34:18

This was said to me over the weekend as I wanted to go to mass:> ‘Live out being a Catholic for once. You go to church, and you’re not a good person. Is mass the most important thing? ‘And in that instant of those words being said, all that I had been praying for in myself and that I was hoping in was questioned.

Was this the truth?

My thoughts ignited: ’ ..I am truly not a good person. My service to God has not been enough. I failed to show Jesus Christ anywhere.’

The night before all this, I was so grateful in having a sincere conversation with the Lord by His presence at adoration. Being there as I knelt, surrendering all my thoughts and prayers was beautiful. Saying petitions, giving thanks and most importantly listening to Him in return. Those minutes there before Him felt wonderful, cementing that feeling of how captivating He is and how much He has to offer in terms of love and strength to all of us. However that sense of peace was simply devoid by the next morning. I was denied to be able to go to mass that day…something so significant in my life…and I broke apart.

Numerous times, my heart has been broken. Not relationship wise, through psychological hurt. With it reoccurring in my life it has made me accustomed to it all, but it has not made me completely dense to it. No matter how many times it happens, the pain formed is still ever raw. As with anyone who ever has to go through these things (and I am praying that you are all okay getting through the tough days!) . What I’ve come to struggle with the most in general is that of insecurity and the constant feeling of discouragement in my abilities. I understand that denying my worthiness in the world is crushing all His hard work and for that I’m always fighting to think positive.

I may be weak in the spirit a lot but there is hope in that seeking of strength from Heaven and I call you all to do the same. Treat these times of adversity not with anger and sadness but to simply offer up these hurts to the above.

The hardest part of being a Christian I guess would be the expectations laid upon you in life. The assumption that you have to be perfect and if you fall out of line, you are immediately criticised. Your beliefs will be used against you at times to bring about doubt. The truth is that none of us are made perfect yet it does not mean that we do not strive to live in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. Look at all his disciples and Saints, they faced times of temptation and denial but they still stayed faithful. Even though we are not perfect, we must seek to be Christ-like. Not to seek the gain the approval of others but that of the Heavenly Father. Continue to try.

So many times we will be subjected to fall into sin, to turn away from The Lord and experience suffering and anger. All of this is Satan’s cunningness on the world and us, damaging creation that was intended to be pure and without these sins.

The beauty of it all is that no matter what, God’s love never diminishes. Whenever you get questioned, don’t know your place or process or if your faith is utilised as a tool of hurt, remember to pray: ‘Lord, help me to see myself as you see me.’

Please pray for me as these storms come to pass in my life and I shall be always praying for you :))

God Bless x
a pointless list of things I can’t wait to do when semester break starts

-daily mass + continue going to confession every week or fortnight :)
-concentrate on improving prayer life and service
-work on music to release with the band
-delve straight into my new job and save money
-exercise (no no winter flab) 
-finally resume my Japanese studies
-be able to read my ever piling book list
-learn more about my faith/write into my spiritual knowledge book
-get into watching tvd because I’ve been crazily encouraged to
-marathoning of movies I’ve been dying to watch
-catching up with friends in general :)

For it is by grace that you have been saved. — My story.

Lord Jesus Christ. My Saviour, :)

As I write this, I pray and trust that you use me as your instrument to convey your message. That this testimony will glorify your name alone. May you send the Holy Spirit to empower me and lead me to your word. Thank you for never failing to remind me of your love, even though I always fail to love you in return.

For your will, and not my own.

Amen.

_______

Hello :)


I often get asked about my story of how I came to be in terms of my faith. I have mentioned it here and there in my other personal posts but not the full story. This testimony will hopefully share my life to you, and how I came to be in striving to putting Christ in the centre of my life. It will be a good reference point for when other people ask me in the future as well.

It will get fairly personal. I’m honestly nervous but I have trust in God that opening up and sharing will hopefully bring about inspiration and is a just a small story of how great he truly is. How I came to be saved. As brothers and sisters of Christ, having the courage share is to remind one another how blessed we are and how anything can be conquered in his name. Here it goes.

The Beginning. 

Looking back to the person I was, the idea of me now would have been something honestly unthinkable. It was never in my mind that I would become quite focused on my faith and loving God but then again, no-one knows the mysteries of his plans for us.

Religion has never really played as a significant factor within the family. My mother was a devout Catholic when she was younger but she became fearful and suddenly stopped. To the present moment, I am hoping to bring her back to the Church because I would want to show my loved ones his all amazing grace. Such a hard mission but I do not want to give up. (Prayers up!) My father on the other hand was brought up Protestant but he hardly practices. All the Catholic values were there in terms of being baptized, going to mass particularly on Easter and Christmas and having that generalized presence of Christ at home with statues and crucifixes. But that was it. In terms of prayer life, my great grandma would always make me recite prayers when I was younger but when she no longer lived with us, I stopped altogether.

My family life is insanely complex and broken and still is to this day but it is something that has made me stronger.
Don’t get me wrong, I am so blessed that I was brought up fairly well but so many things were happening during the process simultaneously.

I went to a Catholic school for both my primary and high school days so I did have knowledge about my religion and went through all the sacraments, but I never took it in my daily life. It was just another subject to me.God was always there in my life as he is in everyone’s but I never looked at him and I remained oblivious.

I was never the best person growing up either. Full of pride, attitude giving, quick to judge and even at times plain mean. I’m glad that my loved ones and God gave me a ‘slap in the face’ and helped me become better in that aspect.

Here is where God came at the perfect time. Such a turning point would have been my days at high school. I struggled a lot in high school when it came to being with the wrong type of people. Not being myself but band wagoning and being a follower in the hope that I would be accepted. You know how teenagers try really hard to be in a clique? That was me.

The Darkness 

My 4th year in high school would probably be the darkest period of my life.

The people I thought were my ‘friends’ were far from that. I just happened to be always the topic of their conversations and they never really hide it well. It felt like I could not live my life without them being ready to judge me or twist what they see. Using me and flaws was the source of their enjoyment. I simply let them control my life. I was not the only one, there were plenty of people. I would rather not want to express the labels and rumours that I was given but they all killed hearing about them. When I was there in their presence, they would speak about others and I would pretend that I had no clue. I had no courage to stand up against them.Then it got worse when I convinced myself that maybe I really was the person that they were saying I was. I allowed it to get to me and consume me. I should tell you know, do not whatsoever let bullying get the better of you. Move on, you all are not what they say you are. Be true to yourself and what Christ sees you as. :)

I would always dread going to school because I would have to pretend to be content and hold it until I went home to breakdown. I was mildly depressed and I hardly hard anyone to turn to. Those labels made others turn away and refuse to even be in my presence. It just drove me into a deeper hole that I could not get out of. To describe it in three words I was feeling: Useless, Alone, Unloved.

It came to this final decision eventually. The rational thing for me at the time was to stop my life in order to stop the pain. I did not want to be a burden to my family through my anguish and I believed that it would not have mattered if I was alive or not. I thought I was unloved, therefore there would be no grief.

16 years old. I was willing to die.

The Light and Hope 

The evening I was planning to go through with it all, I did not even say goodbye to anyone because I was that distraught in my thoughts.
I shall just say that it was so close to happening.
Just as I was about to, something intervened. At those the last few moments, I felt something heavy hold me back saying
‘No, my child. Don’t.’
It was definitely the Lord stopping me. I’ve questioned it sometimes if it was just luck but whenever I pray about it, I’m reassured once more. I vividly recalling myself just falling to my knees and suddenly speaking to God in my thoughts. I had no clue why he wanted me to stay but I would start to pledge my trust in him. He was my help in all the darkness and the one who pulled me out of it slowly. 
From there, the fragments of my life started to piece back together one by one and the light eventually shone through. 

All that experienced hurt still stings sometimes when I contemplate back at it too much. When I allow the devil to get the better of me to taint my thoughts, it leaves me in a mess once again.
My subconscious is my constant struggle and I tend to have terrible self-esteem as a result. The thing that scares me the most after recovering and getting back on track was that it would happen all over again with every single loved one in my life. That I’m just something used and then shelved when no longer needed. When I’m plagued with doubt, I can shut people out and just send myself into a whirlwind of sorrow. 

Forgiveness particularly to those who have hurt you can be hard and not dwelling on the past even harder. I went through times where I just wanted to scream in frustration but once I focused on God, I came to realise that they need love the most. All I can do is just pray for them in the hope that one day they will come to know the extent of their actions to others and stop. More importantly, I have finally learnt to let go and put closure. All those obstacles were there for a reason: to make me grow and come out from it so much stronger. 

A reminder from all this is that we should never be satisfied or seek worthiness and approval from other people except God. And in saying that, we are forever worthy in his eyes because of his love. Also, to go out of your way to love everyone you encounter because you never know if they really need it the most.

The Journey with Him

Almost 4 years later, I’ve been abundantly blessed. Each new day for me in itself is a miracle because it could have easily not have been existent. I found my true friends who are practically my sisters. I joined and continue to serve in a community called Youth for Christ since 2010 which has brought forth wonderful brothers and sisters. I could write a whole other post on the brothers and sisters because my love for them is worth so much. It is from this community where I began to cement my faith journey and together we come in God’s name to praise and learn about him more. It’s a community that has taught me an array of beautiful things about the faith and in turn driven this desire to spread it in evangelisation and daily action. In the process, I have fallen in love with not just the Lord but the Church, Mother Mary and all the Angels and Saints. I try to see the world in a new light and a greater appreciation. 
And each day I can’t help but be overwhelmed with joy because of God’s perfect timing. No longer the tears of despair but of thanksgiving.

Finally seeing Christ in my life was far from easy but I would not have wanted it any other way. Even now, it is an ongoing molding progress. I am a sinner. I fail him thousands of times, I get angry and him even forget he is here. Still, he always manages to come back in my life as he does with everyone.

My life verse is ‘For nothing is impossible with God.’ — Luke 1:47 

It is a reminder to trust in him even though you may have no clue what he has in store for your life. In my own life, the verse holds true in the fact that his undying love was shown in the time when I wanted to give up.

We will never get to know God completely. His intentions for the world and everything in between but overall, we should know that he is all that we should be living for. He is there for us always and is a our saving grace. 

unconditional.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. — 1 Corinthians 13:7

———————
If you’ve been following my little posts about my journey with Christ here and there, it has been a roller coaster thus far that’s for sure.

If I could define this stage of my faith right now, it would be: learning how to love unconditionally and serving better.

Last year would have been: always struggling to seek God’s purpose for me and being dragged down by negative thoughts and doubts. (Still an ongoing progress nonetheless..insecurity will always be around but never as prominent)

Let me speak about love and I mean real love.
Not what the world presents it as.

A fact about myself is that I am not good with speaking words out loud. Although my mind is constantly flooded with thoughts and ways that really want to help others, I cannot express them properly and it makes me feel useless sometimes.
The silent one absorbing everything = ME.

I guess God is slowly teaching me to be able to speak up in important times, to discern properly and to speak nothing but love. Love is not defined by the amount of gifts received, the number of embraces nor the times the words ‘I love you’ is uttered.

God is love. Simple as that.

It is when you want the absolute best for your loved ones in terms of leading them towards what God has planned for them. Actually, not even exclusively to your loved ones: everyone. The people you despise, strangers and everyone in between. Be that example of Christ. If that means being honest with them and helping when they need it most, so be it. Yes, you don’t have the ultimate power to change people and it can never happen in just a day but the best thing you can do is to lead them to God. It can be so difficult but Christ didn’t carry his cross perfectly either when he made that ultimate sacrifice. Expect to fall, hard.

To love is to be willing to suffer. This doesn’t mean physically where people take a bullet for another by that dramatic throwing of themselves in front like in movies.
Personal note: Lately to be honest, I get worried so much whenever I am thinking about people close to me and what they go through at times. Sometimes I would even cry.
I would cry at the fact that I feel like I am not doing enough in terms of loving them, just knowing that they are going through a rough time,
that I can be life taking and that I have not been bringing them to Christ. Crying is embarrassing but humbling. It’s like I am indirectly suffering alongside them during their times of strife. That’s when you know that you truly love them so much. When you pray for them to the point where your prayers are no longer selfish. You do not pray for your personal intentions but FOR THEM.
If they are happy and closer to God, you should be too.
I wonder if they even know sometimes, because I struggle to say so but I try to love them as much as God allows me to correctly.

Beyond all this, you do not even know the extent of others and their love for you. Nor should you ever be concerned about it because at the end of the day, your love should not diminish on the basis of how the other person loves you back.
That’s what I’ve learnt the most. Love no matter what. You may be trodden on, not thanked, not appreciated and even down the road: forgotten and become just a memory. That extremely hurts to love someone and not have the love be reciprocated back. Hey, that is absolutely okay! It’s not a competition, you should not care. Endure everything that comes your way in the process because it makes you grow.
As long as you continue to love: that love that brings people closer to God and NOT to sin. To love beyond frustrations, annoyance and every little negative setback. It is the willingness to stop focusing too much of yourself

God never loved anyone any less and that’s the beauty of it all. Look how we all have been guilty of having fallen away from his grace. We’ve turned away many times yet he still waits for us.
There is nothing better than having a God whose love so
indescribable, incomparable and most importantly never ending.

You cannot live without love.

The reality is that you may never reach that perfect Christ-like love, but it never hurts to try. Always.

Spent my evening at Eucharistic adoration. A good hour or so just spending it lamenting, listening and praying to the Lord. A time of complete peace and true assurance.

To be in the presence of Christ, is just so lovely. I can’t place my words into something sufficient to describe it well. As unworthy as I am, I was able to kneel before him in complete surrender once again. There are days where I feel like I’m ‘off’ in my spiritual life or slipping away from him to be honest but it’s moments like this that bring me back each time.

hi, dream job :)

4 months and 4 interviews later
I finally got the long awaited call - I got it!

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